Stayin’ Alive

When I was my daughter’s age I began to get very anxious about global thermonuclear war. I remember choosing it as a topic for a science project. Other kids investigated whether they could train their dogs to do tricks or made erupting volcanos - I delved into the difference between nuclear fission and fusion* and what would happen to humanity in World War III.

I think my generation was terrified of nuclear war in the same way the current generation is terrified of climate change. I spent a lot of time thinking about it. My tween and teen years were accompanied by low level anxiety about nuclear winters and subsistence farming.

I grew up towards the end of the Cold War. The Cold War saw the proliferation of nuclear weapons known as the arms race. It was pretty disturbing to my young mind to imagine there were enough nuclear warheads in the world to wipe out humanity multiple times.

In the 70s, 80s and 90s France tested nuclear weapons at Moruroa Atoll in the Pacific. The sinking of the Rainbow Warrior occurred in 1985. The Soviet nuclear power station at Chernobyl melted down in 1986. I was in my mid teens then. Those events sat quietly in the background of my consciousness, fuelling that constant low level anxiety.

One of the most vivid dreams I have ever had was as a teenager. I dreamed that a nuclear weapon was dropped on Auckland airport. I saw the flash. Then came the mushroom cloud, explosion, shock wave and… I woke up. We were in the midst of an Auckland thunder storm and my subconscious had translated the lightening and thunder to a nuclear strike.

New Zealand became nuclear free in 1987, the same year the Soviet Leader, Mikhail Gorbachov, introduced “perestroika” (reorganisation). In 1989 the Iron Curtain fell and in 1990 the Berlin Wall came down. My fear, driven by an East v West arms race, diminished and the anxiety I had carried as a teen, dissipated. I entered adulthood at a time of enormous hope for peace.

Putin’s invasion of Ukraine and his alarming nuclear rhetoric has caused that low level anxiety of my youth to return after more than 30 years. It has never been much comfort to me that New Zealand is one of the safest countries in the world to be in the event of a nuclear war - since after we’ve survived the nuclear winter, we’ll all be back in the dark ages, farming and fighting over resources.

Anyway I’m struck by how the anxiety of nuclear apocalypse is similar to the anxiety you have when you’ve survived cancer. You may have been through treatment but the fact is cancer, like a nuclear war, can strike at any time. It sits quietly in your subconscious ready to cause you concern. You just need the bodily equivalent of an invading Putin.

I can’t really control Mad Vlad but I can try and do things to stay alive. Here’s what I recommend:

Follow medical advice

I have enormous respect for my medical team. They have a lot of experience and have treated many people with cancer just like mine. They are experts about cancer and know vastly more than I do.

I can read up on everything but they still know more than I do.

There are few things in my professional life that annoy me more than a client telling me how to do my job (unless they are a lawyer too) - so I approach my relationships with my doctors as a client taking advice from someone that knows a lot about cancer but has stuff to learn about me. That is how I approach my own clients. I know a lot about the law but I need to learn about them and what they need and want.

Your relationship with your doctors is one of trust and confidence. You are a team. You really ought to listen to and do what your doctors say. By all means question them so you are fully informed but don’t disregard their advice because some quack on the internet told you to drink bleach or have vitamin infusions or your best friend thinks you can have lemon water instead of chemotherapy. Remember they know lots about cancer and your job is to teach them about you and what you need and want.

Friends and family

I have loved spending more time with loved ones. You know who you are. Thanks for calling me and letting me know you care. Thank you for reading my blog and taking the time to message me or leave a response. Thank you for the flowers, cards and gifts.

I am very lucky to feel so loved.

Sleep

It is fair to say that if I often eeked out more time by limiting my sleep.

I was very used to feeling tired. In fact one of the things that has amazed me about my Occupational Therapist assisted graduated return to work is how much energy I have on weekends. It is amazing.

I try to get at least 8 hours sleep per night.

Nutrition

I have incorporated lots more fruit, vegetables, nuts and grains into my diet.

I eat pomegranate seeds because studies have shown them to shrink tumours.

I only have alcohol on special occasions.

Exercise

Most days I walk 7km. I weight train 2-3 times a week. I horse ride once a week. I have a very nice spin bike that I plan to use more in the winter when it is raining. I would like to squeeze in some yoga twice a week and will do my best to make that happen (if I can do so without limiting my sleep).

Balance

I love my work but I appreciate that the stress that came with being a business owner, commuting and constantly “being on” probably left me burnt out before I was diagnosed with cancer. I previously spent my weekends exhausted. It is important to take time to rest and recuperate. It is healthy to have things that interest you outside of your work.

Hobbies

As you know (because I’ve written about it) I’m learning how to horse ride and doing some writing.

I have had a passion for horses all my life and I love spending time with them.

I have spent time in my garden too. I have grown a lot of tomatoes.

I like to cook (and to eat).

Projects

I’ve always had goals and plans. I love projects. They give you focus and meaning. I have a few things in the pipeline.

Gratitude

I have always been a Pollyanna. There is a lot to be grateful for even when life serves you lettuce instead of lamb rump. Focus on what you have to be happy about. There is usually something. A positive, grateful state of mind is powerful.

Rid yourself of energy and joy vampires - you know those people that feed on negativity, conflict and misery - banish them. You’ll feel stronger without them.

And on that note I am grateful for my daily walk and I am heading out now. I always have my ear buds in and I nearly always listen to music. So here are the Bee Gees and Stayin Alive https://youtu.be/fNFzfwLM72c

I cannot listen to Stayin Alive without chuckling to myself and thinking about this scene from The Office. It may say something about me, but I could never grow tired of watching this. Enjoy! It is brilliant. https://youtu.be/Vmb1tqYqyII

*The foundation of nuclear energy is harnessing the power of atoms. Both fission and fusion are nuclear processes by which atoms are altered to create energy, but what is the difference between the two? Simply put, fission is the division of one atom into two, and fusion is the combination of two lighter atoms into a larger one. They are opposite processes and quite different - but both processes release energy.