Feeling all the feels

Nearly 20 years ago I consulted a clinical psychologist and was under his care for about 6 months. I had been under huge pressure and although I had the appearance of coping, I wasn’t sleeping, nor was I eating. This was distressing on top of my other distress because I usually love both those things.

What we ascertained was that I can (and had) completely shut down emotionally. In our first few sessions he probed me about how various things made me feel. They made me feel absolutely nothing. Now this can be a very handy tool when dealing with difficult situations. I am cool, calm and collected under pressure and use humour as a buffer - but eventually I know I need to feel all the feelings or chances are I won’t be able to sleep or eat and I might have a nervous breakdown.

After I found out on 2 June that my PET CT scan results were clear I allowed myself to feel all of the feels. It has meant that I’ve cried quite a lot. I miss so many things. I’m the person, who on her death bed, will regret having not worked more. I love working. I love routine. I love the people I work with, our clients, our experts, even visiting the coffee shop downstairs from work. At the moment visiting my workplace makes me feel sad because all I see is what I’ve lost.

I miss going to the gym and seeing Anouk. I miss being busy and time going fast. I miss having lots of things to keep my mind occupied.

I miss my precancerous left breast, of being whole, feeling pretty and being my old self who was fit, strong, well and complete.

I hate causing the people I love fear, sadness and concern. I’m someone’s Mum, daughter, wife and sister for God’s sake.

I don’t like telling people that I have cancer and seeing their reactions. It hurts me.

I am angry too. I tried so hard to do everything right and I have been betrayed by my own cells. What was the point of discipline and restraint? I should have enjoyed myself more.

I’m angry and sad about having to walk away from two trials I was really looking forward to doing and had worked so hard on.

I am tired of being poked, prodded, scanned and stuck with needles. Of having to show numerous people my disfigured body.

I acknowledge how scared I have been and that I will always carry the fear of the cancer returning. I also acknowledge how scared I am of chemo, of feeling and looking sick and how much I hate the thought of losing my hair. I hate that the most. It sucks. I also hate that I hate that the most because it is vain and silly.

This week there have been lots of tears and I would go and punch my punching bag in the garage if I was allowed to use my arms (which I’m not and I‘m angry about that too) so I’ll just have to kick things.

Fuck you cancer.

Anyway, thanks John Aiken, Clinical Psychologist. I have been following your advice and been exercising, not drinking alcohol and practicing gratitude. It’s also because of you I can feel all the feelings. I’m sorry you went to Australia (you don’t know how sorry I am about that) because now you are an expert on MAFSA (quite possibly the worst concept for a TV show ever imagined). I could do with talking to you right now and I could tell you exactly how I feel.

I feel everything.