But you’re OK now?

I can feel the awkwardness when I bang into some people. I can read their minds "Oh my God, it's her. Is she dying?"

I know people are avoiding me. Their absence is obvious. They don't know what to do or say. My diagnosis is confronting to them. Be brave. I'm still me. I don't deserve to be avoided or shunned. I'm not contagious.

Worse still are the people who haven't heard and comment on my drastic hair cut. The word "cancer" is like a hand grenade. You throw it out there and then you wait a moment while it flies through the air before it lands and detonates.

Often I'm met with "But you are OK now?" a sort of semi statement with a question rolled in it. Now if I wasn't OK, I'm not entirely sure how I'd respond. Fortunately I am OK. I'm as OK as I can be. I am haunted by the idea of a spectre - because it isn't there in a way that can be seen but it might be lurking. Cancer had a pretty unfriendly reception and hopefully it thinks I'm not the best place to take up residence.

I am going to suggest that saying "But you are OK now?" to a cancer survivor is risky. If you want to be that nosey maybe ask "Have you finished treatment?" or "How did your treatment go?" or "How are you doing?" but don't be offended if you get all the gruesome details. The other thing that annoys me is the statement "Everything happens for a reason". It is an incredibly thoughtless and frankly ridiculous thing to say. Everything does not happen for a reason. Babies do not die for a reason. You do not get cancer for a reason. It is a random cell mutation. I mean what the hell are you trying to say? I somehow brought it on myself? The baby had it coming? Stop it!

I spent a lot of time being quite mean to myself. I would never dream of talking to anyone like I talk to me. Post my cancer diagnosis I went to town blaming myself for my random cell mutation. One of the first things my oncologist said to me was "Nothing you did caused your cancer. It is not your fault". I think I needed to hear that because I promptly burst into tears.

So am I OK now? I'd be lying if I said the experience hadn't deeply affected me. It was traumatic. I was scared. I'm still scared.

Weirdly, cancer never made me sick. I felt absolutely fine while living with a 70mm tumour. It was the treatment that made me sick. All visible signs of cancer were gone post surgery - but because it had spread to my lymph nodes and was very aggressive - I am still being treated and will be treated for years.

Currently I am on goserelin (a monthly injection to stop the ovaries from producing oestrogen), tamoxifen (a tablet that blocks oestrogen from connecting to receptors in breast cells) and neratinib (another tablet that works by blocking the action of an abnormal protein (HER2) that signals cancer cells to multiply). I am very lucky. My side effects have been mild compared to most women. I get a bit hot sometimes at night but diet and exercise really help with that.

Sleep has been my priority since my cancer diagnosis. It is fair to say that I was enormously sleep deprived beforehand. It was the thing I sacrificed to fit more into my day. Now I work less so I can sleep and exercise. It is amazing to not feel constantly tired. My top tips for good sleep - exercise daily, give up booze, minimise your sugar intake and no coffee after lunch. If all that fails and I overheat during the night I lie on my cooling gel pet mat. Bliss!

Anyway, I get that it is awkward to see someone you know who's been through something unpleasant. I encourage you to be brave. Perhaps acknowledge the awkwardness and express that you are unsure of what to say. I am hoping that cancer is just a small blip - another challenge I have slayed in this battle called life. Am I dying? No more than the next person - we all are.

"I don't dance, I work! I don't play, I slay! I don't walk, I strut and then sashay!"

I shall leave you with my latest anthem...It speaks to me on a number of levels (the "fan for me" part made me laugh out loud - women my age will get it). 2023 is going to be the year of nails, hair and heels... and the hips never went away... https://youtu.be/TQ04gPb4LlY