Tūrangawaewae

Tūrangawaewae is one of the most well-known and powerful Māori concepts. It is often translated as 'a place to stand'. Tūrangawaewae are places where Māori feel especially empowered and connected. They are their foundation, their place in the world, their home.

I have no desire to culturally appropriate the deep spiritual connection Māori have with this land but it is the closest I can come to describe my relationship with the place I am staying at the moment. I feel a deep connection to Whangārei - especially the Whangārei Heads. I cannot explain it because I am not from this place. I only spent 3 and a half years of my life living in the area, in my early to mid 20s. I haven’t lived here since 1996 but I find myself drawn back, returning often, especially since my cancer diagnosis, because I like the way it makes me feel. It is peaceful. It is breathtakingly beautiful. It grounds me. It is a spiritual place.

I wonder if my love of this place stems from the adulting I had to do here. I started practising law at the age of 22. Jobs were hard to come by in 1993 and I came to Whangārei for work. On my first day at Connell Rishworth Gerard I knew no one. A week or so later I was joined by someone I did Professional Legal Studies (Profs) with in Auckland. To this day she remains a close friend.

I loved my job. I loved the law. I loved the experience I got and the training I received from my boss Gordon Whiting. I loved the camaraderie at the criminal bar.

I formed strong friendships. I had lunch with one of my girlfriends from that phase of my life yesterday. I met her when I was flatting with two young men. She briefly dated one of those men and turned up at our flat one evening to pick him up to go out somewhere. I had settled in for an evening of watching movies, in my pyjamas, while eating chocolate. I remember being embarrassed about being caught on a Saturday night in my pyjamas, but we ended up having a great chat while she waited for Darryl to get ready. She later said she wished she could have stayed and eaten chocolate with me, rather than go on a date. You will not be surprised to learn that she ditched my flatmate soon after, but it was the beginning of our friendship. I met her circle of friends and when she went off to Borneo travelling, one of her circle called me up and invited me to lunch. We also became good friends.

Oh the fun we had! We all lived in different flats and there was a lot of drinking and partying and brunching and hung over excursions to scenic places in our sunglasses to eat pies. There was usually a gaggle of blokes trying to buy us drinks and infiltrate, but we were young, independent and free. Looking back, I think I was very lucky to have had that time of personal growth, to find my feet as an adult, to have such fabulous girlfriends and to be self reliant.

During that time I fell in love with my best male friend, a criminal barrister. By the time I realised how I felt, I had already made the decision to head overseas. Leaving him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I was only supposed to be gone for a year. Life goes on though. I was in regular contact with him and was very hurt when I learnt through friends, not him, that he was having a baby. I sabotaged our relationship and we did not speak for nearly a decade.

I am philosophical about life. We all make choices and choices have consequences. My choices took me away from this place. I feel confident they will bring me back again.

I’m going home again tomorrow. I have my last surgery coming up on 16 October. I get reflective in the lead up to surgery because all surgeries carry risk.

As I look out at my favourite view across, lush open land to the ocean, I am grateful for my health, my full life, my daughter, my husband, my family, my friends and my work.

Tonight I will listen to the kiwis calling and feel my connection to this special place.

I can’t wait to return.

Whāia te iti kahurangi ki te tūohu koe me he maunga teitei

Seek the treasure you value most dearly: if you bow your head, let it be to a lofty mountain