My heart

I mentioned in a recent blog post that I had only come to realise late last year that I had spent most of 2023 grieving.

I still am.

I know grief. We all do, it is part of the human condition. I know it can hide from us and then suddenly jump out and take us by surprise. Grief did that to me today.

There are lots of little sadnesses when you have been very sick and the thing that has always made me the most sad is the toll it must have taken on my daughter. For the most part life has returned to a new normal. Mum's hair is now chin length and she has two boobs. She isn't falling asleep in random places around the house, struggling to walk up stairs and she isn't pale and skinny anymore. But I know my daughter is scared for me.

When I ferry Eva about in the car she chooses the music. Recently she has chosen Taylor Swift's album Lover. She always gets me to skip two songs (because they make her sad) so I've never heard them. Today when I went alone in my car to pick up my pre surgical infection control kit, one of the usually skipped songs played. It was this - and my heart broke and I had to pull over and have a jolly good cry. If you don't know, Taylor Swift's Mum has been diagnosed with breast cancer twice. It is strangely comforting to know that young girls with Mums with cancer have Taylor Swift as an ally.

Because I am familiar with grief I don't try and fight it. I know the sooner I work through it the sooner it will resolve. I just have to be patient and accept that every so often it will take me by surprise and there might be some side of the road tears.

I'm having fat grafting surgery to perfect my reconstructed breast on Tuesday (if I can avoid Covid until then). I will give an update on how the surgery went later this week.

PS: My previous post about not being liked prompted lots of messages of solidarity and support. Thank you. I apprecated all the love. Please don't think my life is all about closing doors in the faces of people who send me mean messages and crying at the side of the road. It most certainly is not. Yesterday I found a dear friend I have not seen since I was overseas in 1998 and who I lost touch with in about 2011. He is one of the most extraordinary people I have ever met and finding him again, coupled with the fact he's in NZ, has made my 2024 (and we are only 4 weeks into it).