All I know so far

I am not necessarily a confrontational person. I like peace and order in my life. I do however tend to face adversity head on. I need to in order to feel like I have control.

People who assume that my desire to live a peaceful life means I won’t engage if they pick a fight with me have usually sadly underestimated me. If you pick a fight with me and I believe I am right, I won’t back off, I’ll accept the challenge and I am competitive, stubborn and relentless. I have been this way my whole life. I viewed cancer as just another who picked a fight with me and I stared it down, threw everything I could at it and relentlessly and quietly went about doing my best to win.

I have a skin full of scars. They tell my story. My five surgeries since May 2021. The chemo, the radiotherapy, the drugs. My Beautiful Trauma. If you are facing adversity this is my advice on how to take control:

Be positive: Imagine getting to the end. Take one step at a time and focus your energy on that one step. A journey is a series of steps.

Be grateful: Find things to be happy about. There is joy in small things like music, words, flowers, beach walks, sunrises, rainbows and horse rides.

Be kind: Speak kindly to yourself. Be kind to other people.Everybody struggles. Life is hard.

Be organised: Have a plan. Make it a series of small steps.

Be informed: Learn as much as you can. Ask questions. Be prepared to advocate for yourself.

Be flexible: You have to be prepared to change your plan.

Be curious: It is easy to feel sorry for yourself but it is better to tackle any adversity with curiousity. How will you grow? How will it feel? What will you learn? How will you cope? What will you do? Is there a plan?

Be hopeful: Believe you will get through any obstacles and that skilful, helpful, clever people will help and guide you.

Be patient: I find this the hardest piece of advice to follow. Things will happen at their own pace. Things don’t always go according to plan.

Be resilient: You need to be able to cope with disappointment because things don’t always go according to plan. Accept there will be challenges along the way and you will overcome them.

Be creative: Sometimes changing your course is necessary, and can be a way to persevere in a more appropriate way. 

Celebrate your accomplishments: As you accomplish each step in your journey, celebrate it. Give yourself a pat on the back. Tick it off a list. Buy a pair of shoes or have tiramisu for lunch.

Be relentless: Have a plan. Stick to it. Never give up.

We have come to the end of the season of the witch and with that begins the season of the specialist. Between mid November and Christmas I have the following in store:

1. The last of six bone infusions. I’ve had an infusion every six months for 3 years. It is a preventative measure to reduce the chance of the cancer metastasizing in my bones. The infusions make me ache all over and sick to my stomach. I will be pleased to see the back of those.

2. My annual mammogram and ultra sound.

3. An appointment with my oncologist.

4. An appointment with my breast surgeon.

5. An appointment with my eye surgeon.

6. An appointment with my plastic surgeon.

Nothing like adding all those appointments into an already hectic end of the year schedule.

At the moment I am healing from my third surgery of 2024. I probably overdid things early on and had some bleeding which gave me a fright. I have therefore tried to take things a bit easier. If you are interested in how the healing works this link takes you to a website with photos and a blow by blow description of what happens. I am at day 18 (in the 2-3 week stage where things arguably look worse before they start looking better). The healing process will take a bit longer than I thought it would and it is definitely more gruesome than expected.

I am so close to the end of the hard stuff, I don’t delude myself that this will ever be truly over, it will always be casting a shadow on my life. I am hopeful that the shadow will gradually shrink or I come to enjoy being in its shade.

I love the song All I Know so Far by Pink. It is a song about perseverance and it speaks loudly to me. The chorus could be about my cancer:

You throw your head back, and you spit in the wind

Let the walls crack, 'cause it lets the light in

Let 'em drag you through hell

They can't tell you to change who you are

That's all I know so far

And when the storm's out, you run in the rain

Put your sword down, dive right into the pain

Stay unfiltered and loud, you'll be proud of that skin full of scars

That's all I know so far